Read our other award winning play: Off the Edge

Off the Road Again

Characters: Brad Rock, Constable, Kelly, Poacher, Sharon and Heather

Opening Scene: A long desolate highway, disappearing into a sparkling sunrise. Empty wheatfields look like black, wet soil, cause they're empty wheatfields. The ditches are clogged half full with dirty snow, a remnant from the mild winter. A lonely Molson Canadian beer bottle stands resolutely near the gravelly shoulder of the highway. An overturned car moves across from stage left to stage right and comes to a stop downstage right. It is blocking the road.

Occupants: In the driver's side seat is the newest Minister of Highways, Brad Rock. Beside him is the Minister of Agriculture Kelly Monsanto. Brad is a professional bureaucrat who was a professional student. He went directly from a Masters in Political Studies to an associate brown-noser in any government. Ag minister Kelly Monsanto is a transplanted Alberta cowboy - one of the few people who move from Alberta to Saskatchewan. He didn't think the Alberta Government was right wing enough in its approach.

KELLY: So you're absolutely, positively, 100% sure it's safe to do this upside down?

BRAD: I'm not sure. I usually don't drive this highway.

(Car comes to a stop)

KELLY: I haven't been on a ride like that since Calloway Park.

BRAD: Here, I'll release your seatbelt. (He does and Kelly drops to the floor).

KELLY: Thanks.

(Brad struggles out of car. Funny physical business for at least three minutes because our script is short. Kelly can attempt to help.)

BRAD: Shouldn't we shut the car off? (Perhaps a running car sound has been playing through this)

KELLY: You were driving.

BRAD: We were going to your meeting.

KELLY: The car is from your department.

BRAD: You signed the requisition on it.

KELLY: It doesn't really matter. It's a Chev. It'll stop soon enough. (Car sputters to a stop).

BRAD: I guess even the "heartbeat of America" can't handle a Saskatchewan highway.

(Sound of school bus stopping, perhaps the long, electronic beeping sounds followed by a few horn blasts.)

Heather Wheels, the school bus driver and farm partner with her husband, rushes in. They run a diversified operation grain/elk/hemp and trout. She drives school bus to help subsidize the special fish feed they fly in from the coast... of Costa Rica. She really doesn't like kids.

HEATHER: Are you fellers okay?

BRAD: Yeah, we are fine.

HEATHER: So, do you want to move your damn car. I've got get this busload of multi-dysfunctional under-achievers to school.

KELLY: So how do you suggest we move it?

HEATHER: Put your backs into it you wimps! (She moves to car and begins to push. They reluctantly follow. Funny, futile physical business. They cannot move it.)

BRAD: Why don't you get the kids off the bus to help.

HEATHER: Good idea. (She exists offstage)

BRAD: Who were you meeting today anyway?

KELLY: The usual Ag Minister kind of meeting. I rented the hall in Balgonie and expect anywhere from 3 to 700 disgruntled farmers. It'll depend on the price of wheat today.

BRAD: That's what screws me up. You have these "let's hear the public whine"meetings and I get too many grain trucks and over-priced half-tons driving on my highways.

KELLY: You were dropping me off where were you going?

BRAD: I was going to attend the first "Open Forum for the Vision of Transportation Development."

KELLY: Oh, you mean a "let's hear the public whine about roads" meeting.

(Heather re-enters with Sharon - remember Heather is played by Sharon and Sharon is played by Heather. Sharon is a 17 ½ year old Grade 12 student. She is academic and sharp-witted, possibly sophisticated for her age.)

BRAD: Where are all the kids?

HEATHER: None of them want to get to school bad enough to help.

SHARON: It's no wonder you flipped you're car, look at this highway it's pathetic.

KELLY: You should talk to Mr. Approach about that.

SHARON: Why, who is he?

BRAD: You don't recognize me. This is my constituency.

HEATHER: Oh, you're the Minister of Highways.

BRAD: Yes.

HEATHER: You bastard. (Ranting). I try to drive these kids to school every day...I'm responsible for their safety and I have to drive across a road that looks like it's been hit by NATO bombers. I'd drive in the ditch if the damn shoulder wasn't softer than an old man who has run out of VIAGRA. You think the pothole you hit was big...About a half-mile down, the road has shifted so much you think you are driving in England.

SHARON: Like I haven't heard this before. Are we gonna' move the car or what?

KELLY: How ?

SHARON: I'll call my Dad. Where's your cell phone? (She asks Heather)

HEATHER: I had to give mine up - bus maintenance was way over budget.

BRAD: Here try mine.

(Sharon attempts connecting several times. She can't.)

SHARON: I can't get through. What system are you on...Cantel?

BRAD: (Sheepishly) Yes. They gave us a better rate than Sasktel.

KELLY: And Free phones.

SHARON: Well, that's a BUNDLE of crap.

BRAD: I think we should walk for help.

HEATHER: I know a farmer up the road a mile. I'll go with you for your own protection. If he recognizes you he'll shoot at you. (To Sharon) Wait here with him. Don't let any of the kids escape.

SHARON: I know you locked the doors, but maybe you should open a few windows.

HEATHER: I guess so. It's on the way. (Heather and Brad exit)

KELLY: So doesn't anyone else use this road?

SHARON: Not in the springtime...unless you run out of food. Most people around here already have enough stored to make it through Y2K. So who are you anyway?

KELLY: I'm the new Minister of Agriculture.

SHARON: Do you know I'd be a local hero if I made both of you disappear.

(Uncomfortable moment of silence. Sound of car pulling up. Kelly, who played Brad, appears as Constable Mitchell, a wiry, somewhat balding, fiery looking man. Balding and gray hair optional - wear a hat.)

KELLY: Boy am I glad to see you!

CONST: What seems to be the problem?

(Sharon and Kelly exchange dumfounded looks, looking at overturned car etc.)

KELLY: Obviously, there's been an accident.

CONST: Car accident?

KELLY: (sarcastically) Yes.

CONST: We'll need to file a report.

(Sound of single gun shot, followed by sound of several gunshots - about a mile away)

CONST: I better go.

(Watch him drive away)

(Heather runs back on, out of breath)

SHARON: What happened? Where is Mr. Rock?

KELLY: (quite concerned) He's okay isn't he? We don't need another by-election.

HEATHER: (Catching her breath) All I saw was something naked. I think we stumbled on to those Salami Poachers.

SHARON: Oh my God.

(Brad re-enters, carrying salami)

BRAD: The farmer said he couldn't help me, but he gave me this salami. Next thing I knew I heard gunfire.

SHARON: Don't you know you it's not safe to hold an uncovered salami in this area.

KELLY: We have to get out of here fast. The Salami poachers are ruthless. They're even out in broad daylight. I've run into them before.

HEATHER: Who are they?

KELLY: Bankrupt pork producers.

BRAD: That could be thousands of people.

SHARON: (frightened) Let's get the hell out of here!

HEATHER: Let's turn the bus around and head back the other way.

(All actors rush offstage. Several offstage ad libs_

"Come on open the door."

"We're going the other way, not to school."

"Open up you little bastards"

"I'll give you the salami"

(Heather and Sharon return onstage)

HEATHER: (Calling out) Tells us when you get it open!

SHARON: Let's look in the car for something to pry the door open with.

(As they are rummaging through car, Salami Poachers enter. With funny masks and farmer hats.)

POACHER1: (Kelly, who is really Brad remember) Hey girls. We shot at a guy packing a big salami a little while ago He came this way. Were is he?

(Brad enters)

BRAD: (wielding salami) I'm the one you are looking for. I'm stranded on a shitty highway near Balgonie. This is all I have. And I'm not giving it up without a fight.

HEATHER: (emerging from car). Oh no, it's road fatigue. I've seen it happen before.

POACHER: I never fought much when I lost my farm, but I'm ready to fight now.

(Brad uses salami as sword. Fends off Poacher as they circle each other. Brad lunges at Poacher. Poacher sidesteps. Brad lunges again. Poacher grabs salami. They wrestle with piece of meat. Eventually moving hand over hand until Poacher has hand over Brads -ala bats game-Poacher wins..)

BRAD: Damn

POACHER: The salami is mine! Now clear out of here.

(Easily flips car over. Tinkers under hood with salami and then starts it up. )

POACHER: And I don't want you to tell anyone about what you saw here today.

(Poacher exits. Brad and Sharon and Heather enter car. Kelly returns.)

KELLY: What happened?

BRAD: Just get in the car. I'll tell you when we have nothing to do, like at a caucus meeting.

(Kelly enters car.)

BRAD: Buckle up. We're getting out of here.

KELLY: My seatbelt is all twisted.

HEATHER: Put it on anyway.

SHARON: It doesn't matter if its backwards.

KELLY: Are you absolutely, positively, 100% sure it's safe to do this upside down?

(Lights out)

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