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Read our other award winning play: Off the Road Again Off The EdgeCharacters: Mom, Waggly, Wigglish, Ted, Jerry, Terry Scene is bi level suggesting a valley and cliff edge. Use scaffolding if necessary. Scene opens with Jerry lying semi-contorted at the bottom of the valley, having just fallen from the cliff edge. His mother is on the cliff edge above him as he strugggles to utter his line. Jerry: Mom, I promised I'd never call you from here, but you're not going to believe how it all happened. Mom: I told you to never, ever, walk this steep trail alone! Jerry: Quit yelling at me. You always put me down. Mom: That's a poor choice of words... in this situation... Jerry: I tripped. Just get me some help. Mom: How could you trip here? Your brother Ted would never tripped. Jerry: Jesus, Mom. Mom: Well he wouldn't have! Jerry: Some stupid parks worker left a garden hose lying on the edge of the trail. Mom: How could you clearly see what you tripped on, and still trip over it? Jerry: (Sarcastically) I tripped, then I started to fall. Time stood still. As if in slow motion I looked around. I saw the Snow geese returning, I saw flowers springing eternal from the ground, I saw Dad drunk at my fifth birthday. Then, as my finger nails frantically clawed rock I noticed the garden hose, as if coyly smirking at me. Mom: This garden hose? (holding it up). Oops... (drops the garden hose awkwardly onto Jerry's groin). Jerry: (Jerry makes exaggerated "Ive been hit in the groin" sounds) Mom: (After noises subside, mom offers a timid) Sorry. Jerry: (Slowly rising to his feet) Just get help Mom, this crevice is too steep and too deep to climb out of. (As he fully rises, notices pain) And I hurt my knee pretty bad. Mom: I'll go get help. (as she leaves) You always had weaker knees than your brother Ted. Jerry: (Shows frustration at last comment, gives her the finger) Mom: (From offstage) God can see you all the time Jerry! Jerry: (muttering) Shit. Mom: (From off) And he can hear you too. Valley person scrambles from cave like entrances (or from offstage). They are a shy people at first, but once you get to know them they can outdrink you at any shooter bar. Jerry is facing cliff wall, hose is behind him. Wigglish approaches Jerry, says... Wigglish: Hey. (startles Jerry, who turns around quickly, causing pain to shoot through knee again). You from above? Jerry: (Confused) Yes. Wigglish: Tripped? Jerry: Yeah. Wigglish: Garden hose? Jerry: (Suspicious) Yeah. Wigglish: Happens all the time. (Pause) My name is Wigglish. Welcome to Millenium Valley. That knee looks bad. Would like them to examine it at our medi clinic? Jerry: Actually I'm waiting for help. I need to get out of here. Jerry's wife Terry enters above, on cliff edge. Terry: (Calling) Jerry where are you? Jerry: (looking up) Honey is that you? (Meanwhile Wigglish "disappears", or turns invisible.) Terry: Are you all right? Jerry: I hurt my knee. Terry: Were you just talking to someone? Jerry: Yeah. (Turns to gesture to Wigglish, but notices he is gone) I was... but he's gone now. His name was Wigglish Terry: (Overly calm) Jerry, just try to stay awake. You must have a struck your head. Help is on the way. Jerry: How are the kids back at the campground? Terry: Fine. You've only been gone 10 minutes. Jerry: Who's with them now? Terry: Damn. (Hurries off) It's your fault. You're always out bowling or falling into things. Jerry: Terry? Terry? Great. Wigglish reappears with Waggly. Waggly is some sort of Valley law enforcement official. Waggly: You have the right to remain silent. Jerry: What? What am I being arrested for? Waggly: You have violated Valley Ordinance 306-B.5. Jerry: What the hell's that? Wigglish: Simply stated, Any spontaneous visitor from above, must immediately report for quarantine to determine physical health and undergo psychological testing. Waggly: Do not worry. We don't probe anymore. Jerry: How come? Wigglish: It's a crappy job. Waggly: You can go. I can handle this outsider. Tell the president I'm bringing the prisoner... (Jerry reacts sharply)... I mean the patient. (Wigglish exits) (Jerry knows exactly who Waggly is. This showdown has been a long time comin'Jerry becomes James Bond type character, Waggly evil villain.) Jerry: So, Waggly we meet again. Waggly: I remember the last time. It was the late '80's. You had forced the crude oil price per barrel down to an all time low. Jerry: I did that with the help of the American government, Jean Chretien, and my mom. Waggly: But I got the price per barrel back up. Jerry: Yeah, but don't you think lighting the oil wells on fire in Kuwait, and starting anther war in the Mideast a little drastic. Waggly: A girl does what a girl has to do. After all I was hired by Esso. Jerry: Didn't you used to work for the OPEC cartel? Waggly: Esso had better share options, health benefits and an Esso extra card, with a 1000 bonus points. (Sarcastically) You still work for the "people" (Hand quotations). Jerry: I represent every citizen's right to drive a roomy, air conditioned, 4x4 truck with a V-8 engine who want to hook up a 30 ft camping trailer, and drive 120 kilometers an hour against a stiff wind. I represent their right to fill up with gasoline that costs less than their maximum RRSP contribution. Waggly: You soft-hearted, liberal minded, leftist, anti-capitalist. Jerry: You....(stumped for clever political terms)...bitch. Waggly: I never thought you'd find our headquarters. Jerry: I knew you had to go underground. You changed the name of your organization didn't you. Waggly: How did you know? Jerry: I couldn't find it in that damn new phonebook. Waggly: I'm proud to represent PISS U OFF Jerry: What does that stand for? PISS U OFF? Waggly: The Petroleum Industry Secretly Screws You Over Fairly Frequently. Jerry: Different name. Same game. I have bad news for you. (Dramatically) I'm here to stop you again. (Grabs garden hose. As he tells this story he hypnotises her with one end - like a hovering cobra head - and wraps her legs with the other end) Jerry: (Voice and tone like a hypnotist) Who would have thought that I could trip on a simple garden hose and accidentally fall right into your lap. After years of chasing you it seems so ironic that a $50 item at Canadian tire - only $46.95 at Home Depot - could be the potential turning point for reasonable gasoline prices around the world. Even farmers. (She is hypnotised and he finishes winding hose around her.) (Terry enters - she is in the valley - because Terry is actually a secret member of PISS U OFF. She entesr behind Jerry, Terry holds a peculiar weapon against his back. It looks like a gas nozzle.) Terry: Turn around slowly. Be careful. It's loaded with Premium Unleaded. Jerry: Terry? You. I should have known. The monotonous relationship, the boring routine. I thought it was normal after I talked to the other husbands at the gym. Terry: (dispassionateley) Shut up. Do you think Waggly could run this set up? I'm the master mind! Think about it. Who balanced the chequebook? Who paid the bills? Who kept track of the VISA cards? Who got the kids to Soccer and Swimming and Piano Lesson? Who? Who? Who else could organize an entire worldwide organization to artificially keep gas prices high? And have the underground headquarters decorated in a contemporary motif, not bold yet subtle? Jerry: Are you going to kill me? Or should I get a good lawyer? (Turns, speaks in aside) I'm screwed if we got to court, the wife always gets everything. Terry: Untie Waggly. ((He does) Waggly: Give us a reason not to kill you now. (Ted enters above. He has been sent by Mom to rescue his brother.) Ted: (Calls) Jerry! (Terry and Waggly retreat to "hiding place" nearby, but covering Jerry with
weapon Duirng lines Waggly exits and goes to top off cliff)) Terry: (Whispers fiercely) Get rid of that loser. Jerry: (Whispers back) You never liked my brother did you. Terry: You never liked him either! Jerry: Mom said I had to be nice to my brother. Terry: This is not the time or the place. Ted: (Notices Jerry) Jerry, are you ever a DORK. Jerry: Just leave me alone (trying to secretly signal he is in trouble) Ted: Believe me, I wanted to. But Mom said I had to save your sorry ass. Jerry: Just go (frantically signalling, choppy delivery) Go
away. Do not save me. I don't need help, like the police or anything. I don't
want to get out. I want to die down here. Ted: What's the matter? You look like you're constipated. (Waggly sneaks up behind Ted) (Waggly captures Ted.) Waggly: I got him Terry: (Emerges) Good work. We'll come up and deal with both of them. Jerry, throw up the hose. (Hose may have string attached so throw can be safely done - and funny Waggly: You, hold the hose. (Ted ties it. Next sequence takes place in slow motion and freeze frames. Terry starts to climb but Ted let's go. She falls down. Jerry throws up hose, dumbfounded Waggly grabs hose. Jerry pulls her in to valley. Throw up hose again. Ted pulls him out. Or something as interesting and funny. Ted and Jerry up on top. And Waggly and Terry at bottom) Ted: What the hell was that all about? Jerry: The Freedom of citizens to pay low prices for gasoline and other things. Ted: What? Jerry: I don't have time to explain. Just run Ted: You're not the boss of me. Jerry: Just go. Run. Go! (Ted Leaves) Waggly and Terry yell: You can kills us but you can never
kill the Petroleum's desire to make obscene profit on the backs of the middle
class . (Jerry grabs "handy" explosive device and blows up valley. Big Sound effect.) (Jerry surveys scene somberly) Jerry: At least I got rid of this deep inflationary pit that feeds off of society.. The next one to destroy is Ottawa. (Walks away as music fades in.) |
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All material © 2001 Don't Mind Us Comedy |
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