Why are husbands like lawnmowers?
 
They’re hard to get started, they emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.

A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married.The disappointed groom asked St. Peter if it would still be possible for them to get married.
 
"I'm afraid you'll have to wait," St. Peter replied.If you still want to get married we will talk about it."
 
Five years passed and the couple came back.They asked to be married again.St. Peter said, "Sorry, you'll have to wait five more years."
 
They waited another five years and St. Peter said they could be married.The wedding was beautiful and at first the couple was happy, but then they realized they made a mistake.They now asked St. Peter if they could get a divorce.
 
"What?" St . Peter asked."It took us 10 years to find a minister in heaven, and now you want a lawyer?"

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested her husband should try his hand changing diapers.
 
"I’m busy" he said, "I’ll do the next one."
 
The next time came around and she asked again.The husband looked puzzled.
 
"Oh, I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Unknown

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it`s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
Lily Tomlin

USA TODAY has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75% the population.
David Letterman

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can’t stand chess nuts boasting by an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him "Juan." Several years later the birth mother decided that she would like to track down her children and see how they are doing. After many months of searching she finds them both and they begin correspondence by mail. By the third letter Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins, if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal."

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

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